The One With Cupid And Herbert (or The Apprentice Candidates Flirt With Disaster)

It's Mr Cupid to you...

The eight remaining candidates get the call at an undetermined time this week.  Leah answers the phone and pelts up the stairs to wake the rest of the candidates and tell them they're on the way to the Old Marylebone Town Hall in half an hour.  The montage of getting ready features Luisa drying her hair (not a brush in sight, obviously) and Myles and Alex and Neil in their pants (Myles looking like he's stashed some broccoli in his tight trunks - down the front, luckily).  Neil and Myles are ribbing Alex about not being project manager yet - will he volunteer (or be forced) this time?  Surely yes.

They're soon suited and booted and on their way.  Discussion en route is about the teams - after last time's double firing, there's three on one team and five on the other.  A bit of elementary mathematics suggests that one candidate will move to the other team, making four each (with number skills like this, I have just ensured I'll never actually feature as a candidate myself...  Still, that's Lord Sugar's loss).  Alex, Prince of Darkness, tells Myles and Leah that he'll be project manager and make sure they'll win the task, no matter what.  Leah looks unimpressed (though I think that's just her natural catsbum mouth).

The task reveal sees the candidates ranged in a function room in the Old Marylebone Town Hall, the busiest register office in London.  Are they there to witness, finally, the marriage of Karren Brady and Nick Hewer?  Or perhaps Lord Sugar and his ego?  Nope.  The task this week is to come up with an online dating concept and create an advertising campaign - a website and a television advertisement.  They'll present it to a team of experts - but it'll be Shugs who makes the final call and decides which team has won.

They've got two days - let's see whether they can make a total hash of this one, just like the English wine sparkling lot did of theirs.

Now comes the team reshuffle, and Lord Sugar moves Jordan the Nondescript across to Endeavour (now comprising Myles (Broccoli Pants Smug Bastard), Leah (Bulldog Licking A Pissy Nettle) and Mr Vampire Himself.  This leaves Evolve with Francesca (Squinty Eyeliner), Neil (Mr Motivator), Jason (Clickety-Boo) and Luisa (Through A Hedge Backwards).

But wait!  Alex wasn't told he had to be PM - so will he get his way this time?  Time will tell...

The teams head off to brainstorm.  Myles reveals that the first time he saw a picture of his wife was online, but he doesn't elaborate any further.  Thai bride?  Come on, we're all thinking it.

Neil hasn't ever done online dating.  He just doesn't think...  He couldn't...  He just doesn't...  Luckily, Francesca's there to put his stammering into words - "you think it's for losers".  Nice.  But she's done it herself, so this could be an interesting dynamic AKA fight.

Alex is busy describing the many variations of sexuality to Leah, saying it's important that they cater for everyone.  Leah's disgusted by the whole idea, wrinkling her nose and saying it needs to be done tastefully.  Perhaps a medieval theme, eh, Leah, very classical.  Alex puts her mind at rest, briefly...saying they won't have any of that 50 Shades Of Grey nonsense - but then again, he is Christian Grey of the Valleys.  Now, if I'd read the tortuous bag o' shite that is 50 Shades, perhaps I could make more jokes here, but since my literary standards won't allow me to read such poorly-written drivel, I can't.  Hey ho.  On with the process.

Both teams are in Farringdon, at creative agency Karmarama (have a look at their website - there's a little lucky cat waving hello).  Hilariously, one of the meeting rooms is entitled "Red" (I haven't read it, OK, I know nothing of the Red Room and what Grey gets up to in there).  And it's on with the traditional first task - picking project managers.  Will Alex be "it"?

Jason has headed a dating website before.  And he's not been PM before.  He goes into more detail, saying that his nickname on the website was "Cupid".  And, just like that, he's project manager.

Alex lays out his credentials (no broccoli, thank goodness) - he's got experience of graphic design, websites and he's used dating websites before.  BUT, what's this?  Jordan has also thrown his hat into the ring.  Alex interrupts Jordan to say that he's going to be good at business strategy too.  What will Leah and Myles think?  Leah says she thinks Jordan will have a better overview and not just focus on the website.  Myles agrees.  Is Alex happy?  "Not really".  But it's a done deal - and they crack on.

What's their target market?  Young professionals.  They're all on board with that.  Jordan's role is obvious to him - make sure he coaxes the best out of everyone and ensure there's a clear theme running through the whole thing, from the website through the advertising materials.  Wisely, he separates Leah and Myles from Alex - he's sent Frosty Face and Broccoli Drawers off to do market research and he'll stay and work with Alex on the website and branding.  They may need to give it rather a lot of thought, given that Alex's first idea is "50 Shades Of Work".

Cupid Clickety-Boo and his team are thrashing out their target market.  Over 50s seems to be going down well (are you in the "everything sounds like an innuendo" zone?  Hmm, thought so), until Luisa suggests young professionals, because they know that market, because they are those.  Except for her - she's a hairdresser's dream.  Anyway, Jason wants to bring passion and vigour to the over 50s (what did he get up to in the back of that folding caravan trailer he sold last week, hmm?), but Luisa thinks it's a risk.  Francesca's eyes narrow at the prospect...oh, no, hang on.  That's just her face.

Myles and Leah are talking to the great unwashed about their online dating experiences in a market research bonanza.  Myles has a camera, with which he takes photos of members of the public for their website.  And one poor sap ends up being Leah's imaginary boyfriend, with Myles making all sorts of "hold hands" "look more wooden(!)" suggestions to the unfortunate blighter.

Luisa is struggling to relate to...well, anything.  But mainly Jason's concept of the over 50s in lurve.  She tries her best, asking him if the website should be "timeless, elegant, classic" (has she been at Leah's vocabulary?) or "cheeky, fun...a little bit on the line"?  They want it very young and vibrant, apparently.  Francesca and Neil are doing the market research, asking a focus group of their target audience what they'd like to see.  Answer - classy.  Not too cheeky.  Market research feedback always gets followed through by Apprentice candidates, so I'm sure this will be no different.

Friendship and flowers is Francesca's suggestion - rather nice.

Back with the other team and Jordan and Alex are trying to get into the head of a woman (not literally - Alex prefers necks anyway).  A professional woman who works long hours and doesn't want to spend her free time in a bar, waiting for men to come and talk to her.  But Alex isn't sure that putting her on a throne and having her pick men is the way forward (sounds ace to me - c'mon, guys!).  Jordan seems on the money - describing women choosing men in this way as strong and sexually liberated.  Karren looks interested, keen even.  But then Alex fucks it all up by saying, "But when men do it, it's like buying a wife from Russia" and Karren holds her head in her hands.

So, given that they're aiming for strong, professional women, they go for a brand name that speaks to modern working women.  "Cufflinks".  Mm, all the women I work with wear cufflinks, course they do.  Fgs.

Neil and Francesca phone their feedback through to the other half of the team.  Luisa, predictably, hates it, but they go with Friendship & Flowers, because they'd be "mad" to go against what their focus group has suggested.  Looks like some lessons have been learned from "the process" thus far (anyone remember the heap of crap that was the Tidy Sidey?  No?  Thought not).  Mind you, Jason doesn't like it much either - not enough vim and vigour for him.  Still, they go with it.  Half-heartedly.  Ooh, goody - Shugs loves "half-hearted".  It's about his favourite thing (after "blaggers" and "bullshitters").

Leah and Myles hear the name "Cufflinks" for the first time.  And they hate it.  Leah, as a woman, says the thing almost all women would say, "I don't wear cufflinks".  But Jordan and Alex are set on it.  The logo looks good, after all.

Jason's dragging his feet finalising the logo.  Perhaps he'd be quicker if Luisa wasn't repeating over and over "make...a...decision", scathingly.  And telling him he's given her a headache.  And then bawling him out for not making a decision.  Mm, maybe she should just let him bloody talk.  Perhaps she could pop out and brush her hair or something?  They attract hilarity from the people of Karmarama as they argue the entire length of the walk from the office (late to the next task, as Luisa's mentioned in passing half a million times already).

Evening, first day

Jordan and Alex are making Cufflinks look even more corporate than it already does (a big ask, but they're managing it), much to the derision of Karren.  This is aimed at people between 20 and 30, they want fun, not sterile business presentations to look at.

And Alex won't let Jordan be an international spy on the mock-up resume on the site either.  Sob.

Jason and Luisa are two hours late for their website developer.  So they have an hour and a half to design three pages.  So Jason puts Luisa in charge of the website design.  And she's also going to ask him if he wants her to take over as PM.  Ooh.  Handbags.

Endeavour are talking about their telly ad.  And deciding who'll play the ugly guy.  Will it be...Alex?  He'd be my first choice, fo sho.  Eek!  Put those fangs away!

Jason and Luisa didn't get the website finished.  Neil's not happy with the coup Luisa's staging to oust Jason as PM.  Will this be the undoing of Team Evolve?  Shugs won't be happy about this tomfoolery...  But Luisa's project manager - and Jason's stepped down (he says for the benefit of the team - and describes that team as "a nest of vipers with blood in their lips").  Happy days!  The beginning of the second day sees Luisa and Jason back with the logo designer, designing a bus stop advert.  Can they do it in under half a day?  Let's hope so.  Jason gives Luisa more of a chance than she did him - he doesn't yell "DO IT NOW, YOU GREASY FUCKER!" at her constantly.

Myles and Jordan are out gathering market research about their website.  It's "corporate".  And not much fun.

Amusingly, Alex the Vampire is with Leah and a camera crew to make the ad.  I say "amusingly", because Alex seems to think he's some sort of film director.  And top actor.  Is that...cheese...I can smell?

Anyway, he's playing the part of "bad date" for the actress they have playing their lead, before she meets her "good date".  And he's dressed in shorts, a T-shirt with a crucifix on the front and most of Francesca's eyeliner, seemingly.  He looks hideous.

Neil and Francesca are filming their advert, in the altogether more sedate and, dare I say, elegant surroundings of a room wallpapered with some sort of flock.  There's chintz.  There's uncomfortable and ornate chairs.  And there are two silver-haired folk, of at least 52 (you know, "the elderly").  Neil wants to say "ACTION".  So he does.  A number of times.  And it all seems to be coming together rather nicely.  Maybe they'll save Jason from the boardroom after all.

Or perhaps the other team will ensure that Jason gets a treat, not taken out the back and shot.  Leah and Alex are doing their absolute best to help Jase out - by making a total cock of the advert shoot.  They're both trying to direct it.  Surely this'll end in tears.  Maybe Karren's - she's looking on in frustration - it's "mayhem".

However, back at the Friendship & Flowers shoot - Nick Hewer's not impressed either.  The advert is "mumsy and cosy" not "classy".  It's his age group - and he'd run a mile.

Myles and Jordan are at back at the advertising company's offices, looking at photos from their ad shoot.  Photos, specifically, of Alex - as their bad date character, Herbert.  As Jordan highlights - the risk with Alex is that he'll end up some way from the original brief by putting his own spin on it.  And, indeed, the photos demonstrate that he's "gone panto" and ended up being a total Aladdin cockstain.  Even Dame Wishy Washy couldn't fix that one...

Two from each team put the finishing touches to their ads, whilst the other two work on the wording for their pitches.  Jordan's decyded to let Myles lead thys one and Myles is quick to hylyght that he thinks thys ys a mystake (I'll stop now, I can't keep it up - unlike Myles, who continues to spell his name with a "y" - the prick).

Luisa and Jordan applaud Neil and Francesca for their advert, complete with middle-aged lady winking over her shoulder at the camera, before disappearing for a pint, a pie and a quick fumble round the back of the cinema.  Romance, eh, can't beat it!  Neil reckons they'll either love or hate the wink.  I think that's so vague as to probably be true.

But, what's this?  More trouble for Evolve - they can't decide who's going to do the pitch. Luisa wants to.  But so does Neil.  Given Neil's track record with public speaking at the team-building task, surely Luisa would be a fool to turn him down.  But - oh, yes.  Luisa's a fool.  She'll sleep on it, then decide it's her in the morning, apparently.

The Alex the Herbert Panto advert is being viewed by Team Endeavour.  Myles and Jordan are speechless, initially.  But then Myles speaks - and he's got concerns.  It's verging on silly and he has to pitch it to some serious people.  But - c'mon, chaps - they let Alex loose with a camera.  What did they expect?

The pitch

A whole lotta advertising execs and dating website experts see Luisa's pitch - beginning with the "work in progress" website, which gets raised eyebrows and scornful mouths and wrinkled noses and I couldn't see their ears, but I don't think they were impressed either.  And then the advert with That Wink - which attracts hoots of laughter.  So, very much the reaction Team Evolve were after then...

The feedback is full-on and scathing.  They've played safe, but they've also positioned it wrongly - 50 plus isn't that old, they've targeted the 80 plus market and the ad could've been in a funeral parlour.  The wink made them cringe.  And the website was unfinished.

Evolve leave, with Luisa saying they listened to the focus groups too much and Francesca pointing out that they had to listen to someone, because they didn't know anything about the target market.  Ouch.

Next up, Endeavour's Cufflinks.

Myles starts strongly, opening the pitch with the website, saying they wanted it easy to use and functional - and then introduces "Herbert" - who epitomises bad dates.  The audience aren't sure.  If "aren't sure" means "nauseous".

Still, on with the advert.  And it makes the audience laugh in what might not be a 100% mocking sort of way, which is pretty good.

But what's this?  The audience is also full of young professionals - and not one of them's wearing cufflinks - so the name's wrong, surely?  Still, Alex tries to explain.  Then bites the woman for asking.  Mwahaha.

Also, the advert and the website don't go together - there's a fundamental disconnect there.

Feedback

As the two teams travel to the boardroom, Shugs takes calls from the experts, to give his tongue lashing substance.

How did Jordan get on as PM?  But, first, why didn't people vote for Alex as PM, Karren wonders?  Does he know?  No.  Thud.  So they play the advert and Evolve piss themselves laughing at it.  Shugs isn't quite so amused - why didn't Herbert feature on the website?

Was Jordan a good PM?  His team say yes.  Karren points out that he was a good delegator - Myles did the pitch, Alex was in the advert, Leah directed.  Is he "the great statesman" who doesn't like to get his hands dirty?  Jordan says no, he wanted to get the best out of his team.

Jordan gets a rest as the spotlight turns to Team Evolve and Jason's project manager hokey-cokey.  Surely Mr Cupid was the obvious choice for PM - what went wrong?  Jason tells it one way (he decided to relinquish the reins), Francesca tells it another (Jason buckled under the pressure) - but Nick Hewer gives the definitive story - Luisa nipped at his heels like a terrier at a bewildered sheep and drove him into a corner in "the most disgraceful display of bad manners" he's seen "in many a long day".  Ooh, that'll go down well with Lord Sugar (remember, this is the man who has the final say on the advertising task - so he can pretty much get rid of whoever he chooses this task - canny, Shugs, very canny).

Can Luisa defend herself?  She blames Jason for taking 45 minutes to choose the colours on the website - Neil asks if she should be taking some responsibility for that too.

Lord Sugar congratulates Evolve on being the first team ever to have a PM abdication - it's a "bloody mess" - and he goes on to pull apart their website.  Or, rather, the single page of the website they've half finished.  Then they run the ad.  There's some tumbleweed, Leah yawns ostentatiously and a tortoise ambles past.

It finishes, quietly.  And Lord Sugar (the wag) says it made Last Of The Summer Wine look like an action movie.  Yowzers.

The result

Lord Sugar says his industry experts are somewhat at sea.  Endeavour have a funny advert - and they often pay off.  But their website is ditchwater dull.  So they failed miserably in the coordination - it's disjointed.

As for Evolve - they picked the right market (big tick, Jason), but it was boring.  And the wink was cringe-worthy.  The only thing going for it was that it was cohesive.  What, like it was all shite?  Seemingly - because Evolve have lost the task.

Endeavour's prize?  They're off to Mayfair to taste fish poop caviar.  The lucky devils.

And Team Evolve - they need to go and have a long, hard think about being total shits and come back for a whipping in the boardroom in a bit.

The caviar scoffers are eating it off the backs of their hands (is this the done thing?  I'll stick with actual fish fingers, I think, made of fish and breadcrumbs and white beards and twinkly eyes - that's right, isn't it?  Only the best at the Captain's table!  #jollysmile  Or something.  Anyway, I'd rather that than the fishy hand slurping that's going on from Endeavour).  Jordan doesn't think it's fair that he was told he delegated and wasn't responsible for anything - he was responsible for the success of the whole task.  I think that caviar's gone to his head.

Cafe of Sorrow

Neil describes their performance as "a joke".  He's embarrassed to be a part of it.  Luisa says it's not Jason's fault that they failed (an attempt at avoiding boardroom blame?).

Anyway, they're in the boardroom.  And who's Shugs talking to, as project manager?  Both Jason and Luisa.  Why didn't they go for cool and vibrant as Jason had wanted?  Francesca says the focus group hated it.  Why didn't they go with their gut instinct?  Why didn't Francesca and Neil give better feedback from the market research?  And the advert was boring, boring, boring.

Jason is nice about how Luisa dismantled his project manager role, saying he thinks she probably felt she was being constructive, but it wasn't an approach that helped him.  He stepped aside because he felt they'd waste more time bickering if he didn't.  Very noble.

So, who does Jason think should come back into the boardroom?  Francesca.  And who does Luisa want back?  Neil.  They can't even agree on that!  But Francesca says that if her input, with making a finished advert, is a problem, then they should bring her back in, so Neil goes safely back to the house.

Shugs asks Nick and Karren what happened on the task - is Luisa powerful?  Karren says that Jason tries to come across as a deep thinker, but he's really just a ditherer.  Nick isn't impressed with the choice to bring Francesca back - she was calm and collected.  Perhaps Jason's frightened of Neil.  But did Francesca ask the right questions in the market research?  Maybe she just told them how she'd wanted to be a policeman.

Back in the boardroom

So, Jason, why's Francesca back in the boardroom?  She was the director of the video and didn't get good feedback from the focus group.  Francesca narrows her eyes.  Or maybe that's just her, you know, eyes.  But she defends herself - she made the video based on the theme Jason went with (the one she got the duff feedback to create, but she glosses over that bit).  Weirdly, Luisa goes into bat for Francesca, meaning Shugs turns the spotlight onto her and Jason.  Who should be fired?  I wonder what she'll say...  Oh...!  No surprise there - she wants Clickety-Boo out of the picture.

But what's this?  Shugs doesn't want to hear from Francesca or from Luisa (who he thinks intimidated Jason with her constant "we need to make a decision!" banging on) - he wants Jason to speak.  And Jason is rather eloquent - he says that if the team works together, the team wins and nobody on the team is fired.  Francesca rolls her eyes and tries to speak, but Lord Sugar asks her what she doesn't understand about "shut up".  Nicely done, Shugs.

But why did Jason give up the project manager role?  He says that he could have said shut up, I'm PM, I'll rule the roost...but he took the courageous decision to step down.  Shugs isn't sure that it was "courageous".  Luisa and Francesca continue being shrill at Jason, till Lord Sugar shuts them up.

Francesca - produced an advert that was a total mess.

Jason - last week, Shugs was impressed by his caravan sale last week.

Luisa - he's very concerned that they'll have more problems with her.  Shugs felt that he browbeat Jason and wore him down.

But, nice, academic fellow that he is, it's the end of the road for Jason, as Lord Sugar points the finger of fire at him.

And I, for one, will actually miss him rather a lot - we're left with Luisa and Francesca - out for themselves and nasty of character.  Shugs, you've got it wrong, mate, this time.  Tsk.

Karren wants to follow Luisa next week to see if she's a strong businesswoman or whether she'd just be too hard for Lord Sugar to handle (c'mon, Brady, see through her!).

And we're left with the "magnificent" seven, as they come up with their own ready meal.

Will it be a chilling experience, or will they savour the moment?  We'll have to wait till next week to find out.

The One Where They Sell Caravans (or The Apprentice Candidates Camp It Up In Birmingham)

Camping it up, Apprentice-style

As ever, the introduction to this evening's Apprentice reminds us that this process is not about a job.  It's about Lord Sugar, ploughing £250,000 into a new business.

With that firmly in mind, we churn through a rehash of last week's tortuous away day task - because we all needed to see Alex as Corporal Freddie Mercury the Vampire again and Francesca squinting through her eyeliner as she outlines how much plastic flamingo hire is (FYI - £shitloads).

And...we're on with the next task.  We're in the last of the double figure cast lists - only ten remain.  It's like an Agatha Christie novel title - Ten Little Muppets.

It's another 6am call - and the candidates are off to the Tower of London, with the instruction to pack an overnight bag.  Jason packs his teddy (not an all-in-one lace number, an actual enormous teddy bear - not sure entirely which is the more disturbing image... One for the #brainbleach, I suspect).

Neil winds Alex up by saying it's still legal to kill a Welshman at the Tower of London before 9am - Alex's patience is wearing thin as he hisses and exposes his pointy canines, vowing to kick Neil right in the Crown Jewels if he carries on.

So, they're at the Tower of London, not for diamonds and rubies type task - oh, no, nothing that glamorous.  The link between the location of the task reveal and the actual task is that the Tower is visited by tourists and their task is linked to holidays and recreation.  Tenuous, Shugs, vair tenuous.

And...they're off to the Motorhome & Caravan Show at the Birmingham NEC, where they're to choose products to sell, including one high-ticket item.  The caravan industry is worth over £6 billion per annum - as-ton-ish-ing!  That's a whole lotta chemical lavatories!

The team that sells the most will win.  One of the losing team will be fired.  Same as ever - gotta love the format (and I genuinely do - the Beeb has got it spot on here)!  #weakpunalert Anyway, whatever happens, the excitement will be...<drumroll>...in-tents.  Sorry.

Jason is warned not to hide any more (there are no vegetables to prep in this task, SURELY?!), as Lord Sugar mixes up the teams.

Team Evolve
Francesca
Jason
Jordan
Luisa
Neil (moves across from Endeavour)

Team Endeavour
Natalie
Leah
Myles
Kurt
Count Dracula

First task - to decide the team leaders.  Myles is not keen to volunteer - his glamorous lifestyle means that he has no experience of caravans (they're apparently "banned in Monaco").  Conversely, Kurt has had plenty of experience, and has lots of energy for the task.  Alex also offers, but he scuppers himself by not having had any caravan holiday experience (they're not popular in Transylvania either), so they go with Kurt.

Neil's project manager for Evolve and one of his first duties is to knock back Jason as he "puts his flag right at the front of the sales queue".  Wise move, given that Jason is always looking to "sweeten deals" that were in the process of being done by leaping about like The Eager Discount Puppy and offering money off where none was needed.  The teddy-cuddling guffawing twat.  Neil says everyone has to have the same opportunity, so Jason picks up his metaphorical flag and tucks his enthusiastic puppy tail between his legs #brainbleachagain

Myles "literally hates caravans".  Jason asks "why on earth" people go caravanning.  Great team!

Alex and Kurt are doing market research en route to Birmingham, using the failsafe "let's look at how old we think the people driving cars pulling caravans are".  Over 50 is the answer.

Meanwhile, the other halves of the teams are scoping out the products they're going to sell.  They've been given a number of options from which to choose - a chair with a hood, a roofbox boat, a plantpot barbecue, a battery bike, a children's camping kit.

Next task, to convince the vendors of the products that they're the right team to sell on their behalf.  Myles does his best crawly-crawly-bum-licking flattery act and over-enthusiastically tells the creators of one of the mediocre camping accoutrements that they should be really proud of themselves.  Nick Hewer isn't impressed - he felt "nauseated" by Myles's approach.  But Myles thinks he can deal well with people at the very highest level, including A-list celebrities and royalty.  He forces a smile to prove it.

Luisa (who still hasn't brushed her hair) is gushing over the kids' camping kit to its vendor.  Not literally gushing, but she may as well be.  Jordan does a G-G-G-Granville and fetches a cloth.

Then Myles and Leah get their hands on the kids' camping kit maker - and Leah does her best Banquo impression as she pours cold water on any enthusiasm Myles might fake, saying she hasn't got kids and asking how much discount she'll be able to offer at the end of the day's trading on this product.  I think Luisa's unseemly gushing might have won the day there.

Kurt and Alex are at the Motorhome & Caravan Show, spotting old people (or, as Kurt ironically calls them, "coffin dodgers" - a concept that Alex the Vampire surely isn't familiar with).  They're there to look for their high ticket item.

Neil and Jason are also there.  Jason wants to buy a motorcycle.  Neil doesn't.  So Jason sits in a comfy chair.  Neil calls him a big girl's blouse; the weakest member of the team.  But he is an affable buffoon - maybe that'll help him with this task.

Francesca, Luisa and Jordan are looking at an electric bike (the Batribike).  It retails at £949 and there's no flexibility on the price.  None.  Last year, the vendors of this item sold 55 over the six days of the show - is the lure of the high value sales price enough for the possibly low turnover of this item for Francesca, Luisa and Jordan?  But, for the other team, Leah wants to offer more discount at the end of the trade show?  No.  Natalie wonders about offering a discount for selling more than one?  No.

They ask Neil and Jason which products they should choose - suggesting the Batribike and the kids' camping kit.  Neil tells them to make the call, but afterwards, Jason doesn't think much of the bike as a choice.

Kurt and Alex get their call - and Myles, Leah and Natalie want the exact same products.

Which of the teams have the product owners chosen to represent them?  Well, neither of them was impressed with the penny-pinching cost-cutting that Leah and Natalie favoured, with their insistence that discounts at the end of the show were a necessary part of the deal.  They both plump for Team Evolve and Myles has the difficult task of calling Kurt to tell him that the products he had wanted aren't on the table any more.  Alex is unimpressed and does some angriness.  He loses his rag rather a lot about people, doesn't he?  I wonder if that'll keep going unnoticed?

Neil and Jason are looking at high ticket items.  Jason falls madly enough with a little silver caravan that you could apparently fit an elephant in.  Unless there was an elephant in it already, I suppose, in which case it'd be quite a squeeze.  Luckily, for all sorts of reasons, there's not.

Neil's favouring a retro camper van.  They've already sold six this exhibition, but is the £17k funky camper right for the older demographic?  He's unsure.

Alex and Kurt are looking at a trailer that pops up into a tent - which fits all demographics, apparently.  It sells for £11k and they've sold 11 already.  They seem to prefer the retro camper though, saying that if they sell one of those for £17k, they'll have won the task.

Neil and Jason decide they want the folding trailer tent, based on the sales figures.  Alex and Kurt go for the more expensive retro camper.

SALES DAY

Neil sets targets for his team - nine bikes, 60 kids' camping kits.  He wants to see who can sell the most - it's a competition.  Jason looks horrified.  I think he'd like a comforting spud to peel.

Kurt wants to sell the retro campers, with Myles.  Alex argues with him, sounding petulant, fair stamping his feet over not being able to sell the bespoke pretty campers.  But Kurt's made his decision.  He thinks 22-year-old Alex is too young to be a plausible salesman for a camper van.

To give him his due, Alex then puts his whole self into the hokey-cokey process of selling chairs with hoods.  I can't help but sing to myself, "I'll protect you from the hooded...chair...keep the vampires from your door..." but then I get a bit Frankie Goes To Hollywood at this time of night usually, so I shouldn't read anything into it if I were you.

Luisa tries to sell an electric bike to a humorous older gentleman who laughs at the concept - why would he buy an electric bike?  If he wants exercise, he'll buy a bike and pedal it.  Quite!

And the kids' camping kit is £99, which is, as Karren points out, not an impulse buy either - they've chosen two relatively high ticket items as their low-price accessories.

Alex, meanwhile, has sold a roofbox boat for £550.  Get in there, Mr Vampire!  He's promised the buyer that when the chips are down, he'll be around, with his undying, death-defying love for him - but I think the guy was fine with just being able to empty his camping shit out of the roofbox and going for a float on a nearby river without all that nonsense.  Still, Alex made the sale and he swishes his cape and hangs from a rafter for a bit to celebrate.

Myles has come up against a caravan snorter - one of those chaps who gets so excited about caravan dimensions and potential for avoiding tolls on French roads that he starts to make small, excited pig grunts as he speaks (he doesn't really - but wouldn't it be fun if he did?).  Nick Hewer shakes his head as he highlights Myles's schoolboy error - he hasn't qualified his potential "buyer" to see if he's actually in a position to purchase at the show. And, indeed, he isn't.  For the very excellent reason that his wife isn't with him.  I should think not!

Jason's rather impressing Karren with his rather camp, theatrical, "overly sincere" sales patter - perfect for this demographic.

What's this?  Luisa's sold a battery bike!  AND a kids' camping kit!  Jordan asks her what she's doing that he's not - she's initially defensive, but Jordan's actually asking for help.  Luisa very helpfully says she doesn't know.  She's "just selling them".  She should write a book on sales tips.  Well, a pamphlet.  Well, a Post-it note.  In fact, what Luisa knows about sales, you could write on the head of a pin.  In a fat Sharpie.

Neil's not impressed with the sales figures, but Luisa, Jordan and Francesca tell him he's set them unrealistic targets.

Natalie and Alex have a bit of a debate over whereabouts you sit in the roofbox boat to work the oars.  Natalie thinks the bench in the middle is a table and you sit either end.  Alex thinks Natalie is stupid.

Jason's trying to close a folding trailer tent sale.  And, actually, he's sold one - for a whole £10k!  Which hurts Neil's manhood.  He shouldn't have stood so near it as it was being folded then.  Oh, hang on, that may not have been what happened.

Myles is blaming the product choosers for picking the retro camper, as he can sell things, but just not this, to the demographic in the sale.  All the punters say their children would love it, but it's not their bag.

Kurt's sales technique is what Nick Hewer describes as lackadaisical.  And that's no good on  a one-day sales task!  C'mon, Scouser, raise your game!

The end of the day is nigh, and the teams pick up the pace.  Leah sells a roofbox boat, Neil sells a folding trailer and Luisa sells another electric bike.  Jordan doesn't.  And nor do Myles and Kurt.  Kurt decides they need "eye candy" to sell the camper and suggests that Leah comes over to encourage sales, though doesn't outline his precise reasons to Leah herself...

And with one more folding trailer sale for Neil, the curtain comes down on the day of camp sales.

Boardroom time

Lord Sugar makes his tiny way into the boardroom, climbing onto his boardroom chair and swinging his legs as he outlines why he set them the task and what he hoped they'd achieve.

The high ticket product - he thinks - is a difficult sell.  So, either team manage to sell any?

Team Endeavour

Shugs asks why Alex wasn't project manager?  He never has been...  So why not?  Don't the other candidates trust him?  Surely it wasn't because Kurt has been in a tent as a child?  Apparently so...

Myles says the girls were responsible for them not getting the products they wanted to sell from the vendors, because they weren't enthusiastic enough.  Leah and Natalie argue about how many times they asked for discounts, both fibbing somewhat.

Kurt and Jason chose the retro camper to sell - which had a target market age of 35-45.  Not an amazing thing to pitch to the over 50s then...  Was Alex happy with the salesmen decisions Kurt made for them?  Were Kurt and Myles the best people to sell them, or should Alex have been there?  Unsurprisingly, Alex doesn't think Kurt made the right decision - he's sold to royalty, no less!  Well, sort of.  The people of royalty.  Or perhaps the corgis, Shugs quips - he's quite the card, eh?

Team Evolve

Did they meet their sales targets?  No.  How did Neil, as project manager, choose the high-ticket product?  He looked at average sales per day, went for the one with the highest and figured that if he could meet or surpass it, they'd be OK.  That almost sounds sensible.

Shugs asks Jason if he's ever been in a tent or a caravan - no, nor had he ever been to Birmingham either.  Good lord, he's so posh it hurts!  But Jason thinks they worked well as a team.

Drilling down into the financials

Team Endeavour

Accessories sales: £1,479.
Retro camper: Leah came closest, but no sales.

Total sales: £1,479.

Team Evolve

Accessories sales: £3,116.
Folding camper: £30,499.

Total sales: £33,615.

So, Evolve win, on accessories sales alone!  And their treat is to go to the velodrome in Manchester, to meet up with eminent cycling enthusiast and Lycra wearer, Sir Chris Hoy!  Team Evolve leave in delight, hugging each other and punching the air, as is their wont.  Shugs calls Jason back into the boardroom...to say don't look so worried, well done for selling one of the folding campers.  Jase, to whom I am warming, with his foppish manner and ludicrously posh ways, backs out of the room, bowing slightly, saying he hopes he can keep impressing Lord Sugar. So do we, Jason, so do we.

The treat

At the velodrome, in fetching stretchy garments, the winning team have another chance to compete - this time against one another, as they do a time trial.  Jordan wins, with a 19-second sprint cycle round the track (and Luisa leches over Sir Chris Hoy's backside as she cycles, which is surely treason).

The losers

They head to the cafe of sorrow and blame and are sorrowful and blame each other.  Alex thinks it's the fault of the sales strategy, not the selection of the high-ticket item in itself.  Myles thinks it was the selection of the high-ticket item that's to blame.  This is shorthand for Alex blaming Myles and Kurt and Myles blaming Kurt and Alex. Natalie blames Kurt.  I wonder who Kurt will blame in this Venn diagram of buck-passing?  We won't find out till they're back in the boardroom - which is now!

Boardroom time

Kurt's blaming Alex for high-ticket item product choice - Alex defends himself by hissing and showing his pointy teeth.  Oh, and he flannels on about how he quite understands when Karren and Shugs pull him apart for choosing a product for the wrong target age for the demographic they knew would be at the show that day.  Quite what he understands remains a mystery.

Lord Sugar turns his attention back to Kurt.  Didn't he want to prove something to Shugs?  Hmm.  Yes, except he forgot.  Or something.

What about Myles?  Nick Hewer is scathing - Myles failed to qualify the people arriving at their stand to see if they were in a buying position or not.  Myles says there were no buyers at the show and apologises for letting Shugs down.  Crawly-crawly-bum-lick.

But Shugs remains unimpressed - Myles has described himself as "the Jedi knight" of sales.  And he hasn't sold anything.  He and Alex blame one another for poor sales technique versus wrong product choice again for a bit and Alex says that Leah came closest to selling one, so nur.

Ah, yes - what about the reason behind Kurt's decision to bring Leah across to try to sell?  She was "eye candy" - was she aware that this was why she was brought over?  No, she thought it was because she was the best at sales.  Oh...dear.  Zee the Chauvinist all over again?

But, what's this, Natalie starts talking!  And she may just make Lord Sugar forget all the hopelessness and poor behaviour of the other candidates by saying that she should have been brought across to sell the retro camper, because she's "in recruitment" and she "headhunts people".  Yes...just like selling camper vans to pensioners, that!  She finally concedes that maybe being in recruitment isn't the magic answer to being able to sell motorised camping equipment.  You THINK?!

So, who's coming back into the boardroom?  Will Myles have his first trip to the boardroom?  Nope. Kurt plumps for Alex and Natalie. Both disagree with his decision vehemently, with Natalie warning him not to be "tactical", but Kurt sticks to his guns.  Will he come unstuck?  Myles and Leah go back to the house; the others head to the sofas in reception to await their boardroom fate.

Shugs asks Nick what happened on the day.  He's unimpressed with Kurt's defence of the wrong product choice and Nick confirms that he's right to be.  He also thinks that Alex realised there was trouble at t'mill with the retro camper sales, saying that he hid in the long grass of the accessory sales team and kept his head down, despite his protestations otherwise.  Karren's confused as to why Natalie thinks she could sell retro campers, but Lord Sugar's a canny sort and thinks Kurt's made a tactical calculation that because Shugs said he didn't want to see Natalie in the boardroom again, she'll be a definite "fire".  Time will tell - maybe she'll be OK if she doesn't talk again...

Back in the boardroom

Why did Alex think he should have been selling the camper vans?  Alex says it's because he was involved with Kurt in selling them, so it should've been him and Myles selling them.  But Kurt defends his decision, saying he wanted to prove he could sell them.  Lord Sugar points out that he didn't sell any #thudmoment

Oh, dear.  Natalie starts talking.  She says woulda, shoulda, coulda a lot - she woulda picked the right product, she shoulda been the one selling, she coulda been a contender.  But Shugs stops her - saying she has the utmost confidence in herself, but she hasn't delivered anything.  She did sell more than Kurt did though...

Was it a tactical move on Kurt's part to bring Natalie back in?  He, after all, knows that Shugs said he didn't want to see her in the final three again the last time she was in the boardroom - though Kurt denies this #implausible  He blames Natalie for the loss of the bike products.

So why should Kurt stay in this process?  He says he could have sold the right product, but he didn't choose the right product.  Hmm, clear as mud.

And why should Alex stay in this process?  Because he's "set up a company on his back" (is he a tortoise?) at the age of 19, and making it a success.  This business is bespoke tombstones - is there a more perfect company for a vampire to run?  Perhaps a blood bank, but it's pretty much top three ideal vampire businesses, eh?  He does lots more talking.

However, Lord Sugar points out that product selection was a fatal error for this task, though Alex has performed well up till now.  Surely he hasn't forgotten the success of the Foldo chair already?

Shugs admires Kurt's honesty - it was the wrong product and he's admitted that he's got it wrong.

And he's also concerned that Natalie's in the boardroom again.

But it was Kurt who messed up the most.  So...it's Kurt who's fired.  And I, for one, won't miss his slapped arse face and lacklustre performance.

Shugs says he's worried about giving his £250,000 to Alex, because he's young and lacks experience.

And then he turns his attention to Natalie again - Kurt may well have made a tactical move to bring her back into the boardroom, but she's had too many chances.  Shugs' patience has run out - it's the end of the line for Natalie as he fires her as well.

And I, for one, won't miss her little witchy chin and whining about what she could've done, if only she'd had some 20/20 hindsight binoculars at the beginning of the task.

Alex returns to the house alone, with Lord Sugar's warning to take his words on board ringing in his ears.

And then there were...eight.  And next week's task is to create an online dating concept.  and there's a frankly disturbing image of Alex in what looks like drag to whet our appetites...  #dryheaves

The Apprentice Flat-pack Frenzy (or The One With The Box On Wheels And The Folding Chair)

Think inside the box. Grey sky thinking. Nice.

Week three and we start this episode with a 6pm call.  The candidates, who've had a day off (WHAT?!) are all lounging around, painting their toenails.  Well, Jordan is having his toenails painted.  I'm sure that'll impress Shugs.  Actually, if Jordan wins, we'll know what tipped it, eh?  #tapsnose

Natalie takes the call, and is so excited that they're going to Islington (maybe she thinks that's Islington, Paris) that she hangs up with an excited squeak, rather than any kind of telephone etiquette.  The Design Building it is.  Much getting ready footage, including over-enthusiastic "game on" type talk and a boy bottom in a thong (yes, really), then the lucky cat in the hall waves them off to face their next task.

They all stand in the lobby, whilst Lord Sugar, Karren Brady and Nick Hewer loom over them from a balcony above.  The Design Building is home to the Design Council - and this week's task is to design a piece of flat-pack furniture, to retail at £75.  Since Apprentice candidates are usually incredibly practical, clear-thinking and design focused, this should be a doddle.  What's that?  I can hear the bwahahaha from here!

Lord Sugar sends the teams off with a "Fgs, girls, don't bloody lose again, you useless shower of twats" (I paraphrase) and it's on to choose their team leaders.

Natalie puts herself up for Team Evolve project manager.  Her business idea is focused around designing and manufacturing garments, so that's just like a piece of furniture, isn't it?  I wear wardrobes, bookcases and futons most days.  So, fabulous idea, I'm sure she'll do a sterling job of making a hammock out of knickerbockers or something.

Over to the boys and Jordan's in charge.  They really don't make much of a meal of who's being PM this year, do they?  Kurt, the long-haired health drink guru from Liverpool, has come up with a frankly revolting idea for a chair that doubles as a recycling bin.  Nick Hewer leaves the brainstorm to retch and generally spew bile in the direction of Kurt's suggestion, and then staggers back into the brainstorm, wiping traces of vomit from his lips.

There, he discovers Alex being told to "keep it brief" by Jordan.  Alex the Vampire has designed a flat-pack coffin... Oh, no, hang on, it's a chair that turns into a table with the nifty removal of a pin.  Interesting, that his idea quite literally hinges on what is basically a metal stake...

The boys don't come up with anything better, so it's the folding coffin - sorry, chair - for Endeavour.

The girls, meanwhile, have had Francesca pitching the idea of a cube which flips over to reveal a different function per side (laptop table, seat, er...table).  They all wet themselves with delight about how glorious an idea it is, then Leah starts suggesting that it could have an ice bucket, a bit to rest your drink in, a wine rack (she's a doctor, chaps) - and then it all goes mental, with them suggesting fondue sets, hedgehog rescue centres and helipads on various sides of the cube.

Karren sums it up when she says that there are a lot of talkers on this team and not many listeners.  Perhaps this is best evidenced when Rebecca is ignored totally, about 15 times, whilst Natalie stands next to a flipchart with "CLEVER CUBE" written at the top of the page.  Just writing it doesn't make it so, ladies, heaven help me, I should know that!

Alex calls the chair the "Foldo".  I think this may be his vampire poker name - Count Foldo.  Let's see how they get on when they take it to market research.

Sophie's done a lot of market research for her dissertation, so she's GOT to go and do market research.  Rebecca doesn't like the cube concept.  But she's sent off with Sophie anyway.  Francesca is also doing the market research and she doesn't think much of the cube either.  Er, wasn't it her idea?!  And - surprisingly, given their relentless positivity - in the first shop they go into, the chaps running it aren't keen on a cube - they'd prefer a desk-height table, otherwise you're hunched over when using it.  And they call the cube a "boring shape".

They ring Natalie, Leah, Luisa and Uzma to report back.  Gleefully.  As ever, the design team totally ignore the market research and plough on regardless.  Luisa does her best "Nikki from Big Brother" impression, saying, "A table!  Why wouldn't they just buy...a table?".  Leah looks generally pissed off, but maybe that's just her face at rest, who knows.

Jordan says the idea was very much Alex's concept, as he unveils it to the designers.  Jason looks on, whilst trying to rub his hair into a point, it seems.  He's worried about something - I wonder if he'll dare to speak after being called a stupid shit last week?  My money's on "of course he bloody will".

Myles is out with Zee and Kurt gathering valuable market research insight from the man on the street.  The men on the street are "not convinced about it".  They'd be "puzzled and troubled about it" and would "stand in their sitting room, crying".  The Foldo Chair, sit, fold and hold - there's a memorable strapline, chaps - yes, well done.

Meanwhile, the girls have designed a box with a lid.  The market research team are baffled by the whole concept, which always impresses Shugs - be sure to remember to all argue over who was responsible for the total failure of the task in the boardroom, won't you?

Jason speaks, as I predicted, to express how against upholstering the chair he is.  It's too complicated, it adds cost.  Everyone ignores him, but the boys decide to go with the market research and pad the chair (I think Alex just likes a cushioned satin-lined finish, preferably red).

Myles, Zee and Kurt visit an upholstery shop (much to Jason's horror, I'm sure), and Myles calls Zee the "king of bling".

The girls are designing their loathed-by-half-the-team cube.  Clever.  They suggest a tool-less solution, with the cube slotting together neatly.  They're brought back to the earth with a bump by their designer, who says it needs to overlap to slot together.  Well, OBVIOUSLY.  I think they may be the tools in their solution, don't you?  The beautiful curved form that Natalie had envisaged will apparently not be held together by unicorn wishes and magical butterfly kisses, it'll need sticky-out wood and stuff, which she dismisses as "too like a trolley".  Shame, she could get back on it, rather than try to come up with a storage-cum-chair-cum-table (no sniggering, go and learn bloody Latin, you plebs).  Anyway, with all this flipping you'd need to do, you could hardly store anything in it of any great import - it'd be scrambled egg by the time you'd used your laptop for a bit, eaten your dinner, sat down.  No use for storing your fine china or best biscuits.

Karren's unimpressed.  These girls all say they can manufacture, they can design - but there's no evidence of it yet.  Uzma seems to agree, saying they can't just produce a box with a lid, it needs to be "like, wow".  A bold design vision if ever I heard one.  Like, wow.

The boys all sit on a chair to see how tall a chair needs to be, in order to be a chair.  Good plan.  Alex is delighted to be in charge of seeing the design of his idea through - ahh, a happy little vampire, he was flapping his cape and clapping his lily-white hands with joy!

Jason's input, having not liked the cushioning of the chair, was to implore the rest of the team not to forget that women are smaller than men.  Again, his team-mates are dismissive, saying they're talking about single centimetres here.  C'mon, boys, any woman will tell you that that can make all the difference...  Also, Jason, what woman's going to sit on an un-upholstered chair?  FOOL!

Nick Hewer's worried.  His eyebrows are positively crumpled with distress.  Alex is pushing the boys so hard that they're making mistakes.  Nick's come up with a clever little soundbite, especially for Twitter - "Will this end up like a camel, which is, of course, a horse designed by a committee?".  Well done, Mr Hewer, well done.

The girls are trying to make their box with a lid less like a box with a lid.  Uzma's decided to put lines on the side, which they all like.  And they decide to buy a cushion to stick on the top.  And paint it all grey.  That'll make it less like a box with a lid, DEFINITELY.

The Evolve market research team are shopping for bits and pieces when they're phoned by the design team to ask them to get a cushion.  They're unimpressed, with Sophie asking why they're ignoring the market research so comprehensively.  Are they just listening to Luisa?

Francesca suggests they find a suitable cushion to Velcro to the lid.  They're in a DIY store, with 45 minutes left on the task, looking for a 35x35 cushion for the clever cube which is so brainy, it's changed design totally.

Now they're all on their way back to the house, with the boys all leaving the design studio through a small yellow door they have to climb through very awkwardly.  Irony and design, meeting in a glorious union of banged heads and cricked knees.  Marvellous.

At 8am the next day, their products arrive.  The boys are awed by their chair, which doesn't collapse when Alex sits on it - bonus!  The cushion isn't attached to the girls' cube, now called "Tidy Sidey" (catchy...like the plague) - the designers had left a note which said it wouldn't fit, but I think, reading between the lines, they meant something that rhymed with "wouldn't fit" - "it looked shit".  Because it did.

Sophie hates the product.  She wouldn't have it in her living room, she wouldn't pay £75 for it.  So, a roaring success.  Rebecca watches them try to sort a cushion out by pulling lots of the filling out.

Jason very poshly, demonstrates how the chair folds together, saying, "That goes clickety-boo, like that, clickety-boo".  The British public, as one, all sigh, "Ahh, what a total bell-end".

Uzma and Luisa have a ruck over the cushion, which isn't a way of saying that they added some embroidered detail - they really don't see eye to eye, do they?  In loud trilling voices, they all say positive things about the cube thing that is basically a box with a lid, without ever once saying "Oh, dear GOD, we've designed a box with a lid".  Karren doesn't like it.  And she doesn't like that the girls don't like it, however much they trill.  Can good come of this?  They'll have to do a bloody good job of their pitch, for this box on wheels.

They boys are arguing over who's going to pitch.  They're going to be doing a mix of pitching to big retailers and trogging round smaller shops.

On their way north in the back of the car, Neil moots the idea of the "sales orgasm" to Alex, who blushes.  Oh, no, hang on, that's just the blood of some young virgin still round his chops - must have had a crafty snack en route.  Anyway, the sales orgasm is the idea that you get them to say "yes" three times during your pitch and it shows they like your product.  That definitely sounds like some excellent sex there, Neil, well done you.

Zee's first to pitch to a shop.

He begins with saying they've identified a problem, and built a solution.  Well, sort of, Zee - wasn't it more that Lord Sugar told you to win this task?  But OK, crack on.  The man in the shop says they've made it too high (Jason turns into the Cheshire Cat at this point).  The woman in the shop says it's an interesting concept, but the current design is difficult for us.  You SEE, Zee, those couple of centimetres do matter!

The shop don't buy.  They let the rest of the team know, who aren't impressed with Zee's sales "ability".

Leah's excited to be in the shop, pitching to two chaps in dark shiny shirts.  They don't look as excited, to be perfectly honest, to be pitched at.  They like the function of the box on wheels, but not the design - Leah helpfully suggests it could go in another part of the house, but the reply of "one you couldn't see" is maybe not what she was hoping for.  The lines on the side - that el neato design touch from the Wizard of Zhuzh, Uzma - make it look like a garden planter.  Thud.

The overall feedback - the product isn't good or glossy enough.  And it's fucking grey.

Happily, the teams now head to Argos.

Luisa, Natalie and Sophie are pitching to the Argos team.  Luisa is the main voice of the pitch, demonstrating the quality of the wood, how it slots together, that there's storage in it, and not once mentioning that it's a box on wheels.

Unfortunately for them, the Argos team are pretty astute and one of their first questions is "isn't it just a box on wheels?".  Good call, Argos team.

Luisa really believes that this product will be a good fit for Argos and the pitch was rather convincing - the Argos team seem to like the storage it offers.  Maybe, just maybe...  Where's that unicorn when you need it?

And now the boys, with their Foldo.  Kurt, Dracula and Myles are pitching.  Alex spends much of the beginning of the pitch with his arse facing the Argos team, as he screws the chair...together.  I did wonder whether he'd taken the "sales orgasm" direction too literally for a moment.

The Argos team say "It's a bit high".  Jason was right, wasn't he?  Shouldn't they have shaved  a bit off the bottom of each leg before their next pitch?  Tsk.

Nick Hewer is horrified, his eyebrows doing their revolted beetling thing again - this time it's by Alex presenting his rather wide backside to the Argos buying team for the first part of the pitch as he put the chair together.  

Jordan then pitches to a shop in London, and gets an agreement to start with a trial order for 200 units.  Nice.

Francesca's turn to pitch - and she sells four to her first shop.  And then she's on a roll.  She actually starts pitching it as a box on wheels (AT LAST!).  The next shop take 20.  She's now only 176 behind Jordan's first sale...  Another 50 in the next shop - GAWD, this is tortuous, ladies!

The second big trade pitch is to John Lewis and it's Rebecca to front it.  The John Lewis team are - well, I think the word is "meh".

But wait till they see FOLDO and Myles decides to say they're pitching it to 16 to 40 year olds.  Yes, Myles, lots of 16-year-olds have £75 to spend on a folding high chair.  Of course they do.  Good LORD, man, have you not heard of Diamond White?

Jason's turn to pitch to a shop and he goes for a sky-high punt when he asks them to buy two...or maybe three...  Don't give yourself a fucking hernia, optimism man!

Zee's back on the pitching wagon again and Jordan asks him not to get "two ducks in a row".

But the woman in the shop doesn't think it's for her target market.  She thinks it's more "your British Home Stores".  Jordan wants Kurt to do the next pitch, despite Zee's protests, and he sells 12.

Leah rounds off the day by selling 100, bringing their total to 174.  They have an excited hug to finish the task (not like that, Neil).

BOARDROOM ALERT!

Smug looks are exchanged between the teams as they wait for Shugs.

Their products are on a table, for Lord Sugar to look at.  He quickly appraises them and asks the girls what they did.  He likes the no-screw assembly concept - probably because Hewer's told him of Alex's arse fiasco during the screwing-in at their Argos pitch.

But did the girls like their product?  Rebecca and Leah say not a lot.  The girls say that Natalie was a wonderful project manager and Natalie says she had a great team.  Shall we hope that this love-fest doesn't continue if they find themselves back in the boardroom later?  I don't think we need to hope - it never has yet!

Lord Sugar points out that he's a short bloke (he is, I've seen him and let's just say if he's small on telly, he's TINY when you see him in 3D real life with your actual eyes) and he's not sure he'd fit on the chair.  Nick Hewer says it looks like an electric chair (not really a surprise, given that it was designed by the Lord of Darkness himself, is it?  Alex has the grace to look shifty at this point).

Lord Sugar asks both project managers why they chose not to pitch to the big retailers.  Were they scared?  They both come up with some fluff-arsed no-answers made of bullshit and glitter which don't impress him much.  And Myles takes a bit of a knocking for trying to sell his chair to children.

Team Evolve:
174 units - shops
No orders - John Lewis

Team Endeavour:
216 units - shops
500 units - John Lewis (subject to a few tweaks - probably a couple of inches off the legs, eh?)

And now, the clincher, Argos...

Team Endeavour:
2,500 units

Team Evolve:
They really liked the pitch.  And they really liked the team.

But they hated the product and didn't place any orders.

So, Endeavour win the task with 3,216 units sold, to Evolve's 174.  And the boys are off to the O2, to walk across the top and take in the panoramic views of London.

Lord Sugar also gives Alex some kind words to take away with him - Foldo is one of the best products he's seen in all the years in the boardroom.  Very, very good indeed.

Back to the morose minnies, who've failed again.  Their product sucked, however good their pitch - like going into war with a peashooter, says Shugs.

The boys head down the river to the O2, spending some time ripping the piss out of the girls for trying to sell a box on wheels, then don blue boiler suits to protect themselves from, er, climbing up a bouncy slope or something, as they head up the O2 (do you remember when it was called the Millennium Dome and was the least cool place in the world?  Wow, amazing to think that remembering that will one day make me old.  Whaddya mean, it just about does now?  Crikey!  Oh, hang on, that was the Diamond White reference earlier, wasn't it?  #shouldasaidHooch).

The girls, meanwhile, are in the greasy spoon, not passing the buck in loud voices, whilst passing the buck.  I think you understand, having seen this programme a couple of times before, how that goes.  Luisa says (to camera, away from the main group) that Sophie is the weakest link.  But Sophie defends herself (again, to camera, by herself), saying that this task wasn't anything she does - she doesn't design, manufacture, sell or pitch.  What the fuck she does do is anyone's guess.

And they're back to the boardroom...

Lord Sugar doesn't hold back.  The Tidy-Sidey, the Wishy-Washy, the Poxy-Boxy - that's what it is.  He asks how the idea came about - wasn't it Francesca's idea?  She steps away from the Crappy-Crate asap, saying she suggested a cube with multi-functional sides.

A debate about the colour, the criss-crossed sides and Uzma's ability to pass the buck ensues, with Natalie and Luisa claiming all the credit for the interlocking system, as soon as it transpires that Shugs is seemingly quite keen on that feature of it.  Uzma, once again, says that she said it should have "wow factor" - and it does, I guess, it's just a shame it's "wow(!) factor".

If Rebecca didn't like the idea, and Leah didn't like the idea, why weren't they strong team members and why didn't they shut the idea down straight away?  Leah says they didn't have anything better.  Thud.  Again.

Karren puts her finger on it when she says that Natalie tried to amalgamate everyone's ideas into one cube - seat, storage, laptop, amphibious landing craft, etc.

Sophie's moment in the sun when Shugs asks what came out of the market research - after all, she did do her dissertation on it.  Unfortunately, Sophie comes unstuck when she says the design needed to be "functional", when Lord Sugar says he supposes it's on wheels, so he can wheel it out to the skip to throw away.

Natalie decides to bring Sophie and Uzma back to the boardroom, and Lord Sugar sends the rest of the girls away with a flea in their ear, saying they should be embarrassed to be in the boardroom for a third time.  Well, they should, downright ashamed of themselves, the underachieving little stoats.

Lord Sugar, Karren and Nick have a quick conflab, during which they decide that Natalie hasn't done a good job of project managing a design and manufacturing task, given that she wants to go into business with a design and manufacturing idea.  And Sophie - Nick Hewer had high hopes of her, but nobody knows who she is.  Uzma - she has had problems with the girls on the last few tasks (er, all of them then?) - cue Carry On-esque moment when Shugs says, "You know what women are like" to Karren Brady.  I suspect she gave him a wedgie for that.

The three girls come back to the boardroom.

The design task was one where they're meant to think outside the box.  And all they thought of was "a bloody box".  What the actual fuck was Natalie thinking exactly?  And why has she brought Sophie and Uzma back?  I have my own theory - Natalie wants to be the only grey-purple eyeshadow wearer in the village, and Sophie and Uzma do it better than she does - but that's just me being relentlessly shallow, so we'll move on to actual reasons that don't involve woad.

Apparently, ironically, it's because they shy away from responsibility.  Sez the woman who didn't go on the main pitches to the retailers and is now saying it wasn't her fault the task failed, despite project managing it.  Hokayyyy...

Lord Sugar takes Uzma through her CV (always a pleasing ramble through the turgid witterings of an over-ambitious prick, as we know).  She's basically responsible for all that's right with the world - and the clincher - she keeps on top of current design.  Not if the grey cross-hatched garden bin is anything to go by...

A robust debate is had by Natalie and Uzma, with the choice phrase (I hesitate to reproduce it here - I can't abide bad language), "That's a whole load of crap" uttered - in the boardroom, ladies, honestly!  Have some fucking respect!

Natalie hits the nail on the head (or, rather, assembles the point neatly, using slotting, without the help of tools), when she says that Uzma is afraid of putting forward a design that's fully her own, in case it goes wrong; she doesn't have to take responsibility then.

Uzma says she's in the business of looking good - and Shugs offers her a shovel, to keep digging, cos "that don't look good" - gesturing towards the Dalek storage unit.  He's not wrong.

Sophie doesn't think she's responsible for the failure of the task.  Of course she doesn't.  She doesn't pitch, sell, yada yada - she doesn't do anything, so how could she be responsible for anything happening?  I think that's what she said anyway - I got bored.

Lord Sugar wraps up:

Natalie - you claim that you managed well.  You didn't.

Uzma - you seem never to be responsible for anything.  Never your fault.  As a design person, you should have been better at this.

Sophie - market research is a way of not being responsible for selling, designing, manufacturing - you're hiding.

But...Natalie...this was an unforgivable disaster.

However, his gut feeling...Sophie, you're fired.

And, I, for one - won't remember her in about three seconds' time.

Soph...who?  See?

Shugs finishes off with a weak pun - my favourite.  He says it may not be fair, but the only fair that happens when his £250,000 is up for grabs is the cab "fare" home!  BOOM-BOOM!

13 candidates...and next time, their task is to open a farm shop.  How very a-moo-sing!  Will they make a pig's ear of it?  Will they chicken out of project managing, kid around, shout themselves "horse" and end up looking sheepish in the baadroom as they duck responsibility?  Oh, I do hope sow.