The Apprentice Final Four (or The One With The Fop, The Eyelashes, The Wrestler And The Bumfluff)

Plan. Four of 'em.

So, 16 become one as tonight we learn who is to be crowned Apprentice winner 2012.  Nick Holzherr, Tom Gearing, Jade Nash and Ricky Martin are the four finalists, having beaten the other 12 hopefuls to the last show.  We're playing Apprentice bingo this episode, so we'll be looking for this phrase:

• the process

And...we're off!

Four remain to fight for the chance to become Lord Sugar's business partner...


The call comes mid-celebratory champagne.  And it's Lord Sugar, asking them to spend two days getting to know their business plans.  Surely they already know them?  Aren't they meant to have written them?


Nick Holzherr


Nick thinks his business plan is a very good idea.


Tom Gearing


Tom's got a beardier face today.  And a quiff.  I forget whether he said anything about his business plan.


Jade Nash


The last woman in the contest, but she feels this is irrelevant.  She knows her business plan will make money.  Which is sort of the point.


Ricky Martin


He's at the top of his game and guarantees Lord Sugar a return in his investment.  And possibly a friendly wrestle.


Ohhhhh, the business plan scrutiny begins!


At the Institute Of Directors (I had lunch there once, v nice, involving champagne).


Nick's business idea


Ingredients for recipes to purchase at a single click.


Tom's business idea


Collective investment for wine, using it as a hedge fund asset.  Wine and hedges - one step away from tramps on park benches with tins of Special Brew?


Jade's business idea


Largest telemarketers call centre to do something dull.


Ricky's business idea


Ethical, niche recruitment agency.  Consumer products and sustainability, usage of environment is reduced (WTF?).


My immediate thoughts


What?  I wouldn't invest in any of them.  But, fortunately for the viewing public, it's not up to me.


The Interviews


Tom's never had a job interview before.  Ooh.  Is that because he's just worked for Daddy?


Margaret questions Nick about his intelligence.  Matthew Riley says Ricky's business plan "contains many things that make him want to be sick" which is always what you hope for when you write something like that.  Bank managers love puking as they read business plans.  Remember that.


Jade's call centre is called a "grubby little business", "a bit unsavoury".  She's proposing leads for mobile phones, solar panels, debt cold calling.  Unfortunately, she hasn't included a balance sheet or a cashflow forecast in her business plan.  And she's blown the £250,000 investment in six months, according to her figures.  Jade's business plan lists four different web addresses that she's purchased.  Except she hasn't purchased one of them, her ball-busting interviewer has.  Whoops.  She doesn't have much longevity in any of her previous jobs.  But she does say "the process" *bingo*


Ricky Martin wants to be called "Thor" because he's a god (I think he's mistaken people saying "Oh, GOD" when they see him coming, don't you?).  Margaret is wide-eyed and somewhat horrified at this.  Ricky Martin is asked why he's called himself "Ricky", perhaps wondering why he hasn't been calling himself something more apt - maybe "Dick".  Do people take you less seriously in business because they can't help imagining you in Lycra pants?  OH, GOD, it's Azhar and the Tight Red Shorts all over again... *passes brain bleach*  He talks about being the sledgehammer that can get through the brick wall to the money.  Whatever the fuck that means.  Ricky's personal statement is probably the most crass, obnoxious, infantile thing that Claude's ever had the displeasure of reading.


Ricky's called himself the "best business partner on the planet".  Hmm.  Better than Lord Sugar?  He's going to teach "an old dog new tricks" - but Ricky agrees with Claude Littner that he shouldn't have done it.  However, he does think Ricky's business plan is good, except for the outlandish personal statement.


Nick's business plan is "an academic exercise" for an MBA, not a business.  His business offers a recipe website that allows people to click to buy all the ingredients for recipes from various supermarkets.  "Are you smoking something?" asks one interviewer, when he is asked why he is setting up another business when the business he's currently running has the potential to make two, three, four million pounds.  Also queried is the idea that busy families meal plan.  Of COURSE they do!  This is a red herring introduced by somebody who doesn't worry about where his next meal is coming from.  His current business partner says Nick "lacks focus".  Year five, he says Lord Sugar will make £145 million.  Is that realistic?  Nick has tested the model and wants to scale it.


Tom's business plan offers a glowing endorsement from...his father.  Did his dad write the business plan?  Tom says not...  He was known as a "BNOC - a Big Name On Campus" at university.  Margaret asks if he's sure the "N" stood for "Name"...  What on earth could she mean?  Is Tom "well-rounded" at the tender age of 23?  The money can't be raised for his business idea...can it?  He has no experience in hedge funds and is a gambler.  The risk profile on this business is huge. But with Lord Sugar backing him, that'll impress people.  He's never let anyone down in his life and he's not about to start.  When he comes out of the interview room, he says he felt "quite emotional about it", putting everything out there.  Was he wearing Lycra too?  Bleurgh.


Boardroom time


Lord Sugar says he's a pensioner now and doesn't want to be in the trenches.  He wants them to be doing the work and basically to just sit back, steeple his entrepreneurial fingers and watch the £££ accumulating in his bank.


Jade


Margaret says Jade's offering qualified leads from cold calls.  But do people want to be disturbed at home by cold calling?  One of the web addresses was still available to purchase, so Mike Soutar did buy it, to which Lord Sugar clearly thinks, "In your face".  Nick Hewer says she relies on her ability to be persuasive face-to-face.


Ricky


His "old dog, new tricks" statement is rather rude.  And as for Thor...  "Is it necessary to come out with a load of bullshit now?".  No.  But his business plan is the most simple and straightforward of the lot.  Claude says he had a sleepless night before the interview with Ricky, expecting to tear him apart, but finds himself "mesmerised" by Ricky.  Karren says he's changed the most through "the process" *bingo*  And will he say something silly in business and blow it?


Nick


Obsessed by the idea that he's had an unconventional background, with no TV.  He was brought up in Switzerland, in a cuckoo clock.  His business plan looks like an MBA project.  He's aiming it at people who use online recipe sites.  But the £145 million is "a bit optimistic".  He has, however, excelled at businesses centred around internet sites, says Karren.


Tom


Does he like being a bit of a gambler?  He's lived a charmed existence (but criticised for being a West Ham supporter by famous Spurs fan, Shuggs).  Karren Brady was running a football club at the age of 23, so don't write him off just for being young.  The business plan is one of the best Mike Soutar's ever read.  Claude says it has the potential to be a big business, but Tom needs to tone down his ambition.


Over to Shuggs...


Jade is instantly shouty about her idea.  It isn't glamorous, but it will make lots of money.  Lord Sugar doesn't want to be involved with a business that cold calls.  But Jade says people have to tick a box to accept third party calls, so it's fine to then spew any amount of shit into their lives at all times of the day.


Tom is proposing to use Lord Sugar's name to persuade investors to invest up to £25 million in fine wine.  Lord Sugar doesn't like wide boys to use his name to persuade people to invest (surprising nobody).  But it's a gamble...what if an analyst stands up one day and says, "Nah, no good"?  Is his business plan trying to run before it can walk?  Tom says no.  He would.


Ricky is going to teach an old dog new tricks.  Lord Sugar's worried that he's being moved over.  Has Shuggs got to tell his kids they're getting a new dad?  The one good thing going for him is that he's starting a new recruitment agency in the scientific and pharmaceutical industry.  Ricky's got funds in the business plan for year four's Christmas party, clearly demonstrating huge attention to detail (or perhaps he's concerned there'll be a run on Winter Pimm's in a few years' time).  And he's not a yes man.  Oh, no.


Nick's business is translating menus into grocery lists for supermarkets - an enormous software task.  Is it possible?  Why do it?  It's a trillion hours of software writing.  Nick's already got the prototype up and running.  It's a genuinely new idea, a lot more innovative than the others.


In summary


Lord Sugar sees "light at the end of the tunnel" in all four of the business plans.


Tom's business plan could be a calamity and Lord Sugar can't have his name associated with it.  Nick was the one chosen by the other team when they needed an extra team member.  Ricky Ratchet Jaws is an expert in his field.  Shuggs can understand how his business plan can work.  Jade can be a good motivator, manager, salesperson.  But does Lord Sugar want to be associated with a cold calling business?


No, no, he doesn't.  Jade's fired.  And I, for one, won't miss her.


And then there were three...


Tom - he might like to think about throttling back his ambition.  Ricky...has he learnt to stop bigging himself up?  Nick is obviously a very intelligent fella, but Lord Sugar doesn't want to do any work.  And where's the money?


He can't find it.  So Nick's fired.


And I, for one, will miss his foppishness and outstanding hair.


Just the two of them...


Lord Sugar asks Ricky and Tom to step outside so he can drag out the process for another five minutes.  Tom's bumfluff looks nervous.


Nick Hewer says it's a fast-moving, electrifying business to be involved in, but Lord Sugar's never done business with anyone else's money.


Ricky's got a pedestrian recruitment business, but Karren implores Lord Sugar not to rule him out because he's safe.


And they're back...


In his first year of trading, Tom turned over £1.25 million.  The target of £25 million can be pulled back.


Ricky's safer, but he wouldn't invest in Tom's wine business if he's successful in the future. He says he's not a risk for Lord Sugar.  Tom says he will take a risk, but, unlike Ricky, he has actually had the experience of running his own company.


Shuggs does a recap.  Ricky's business is very straightforward, simple.  Nick Hewer's known Lord Sugar for a long time and knows he likes a bit of devilment, which Tom's business might provide.


Devil...or safety?


He plumps for keeping it simple and straightforward - and Ricky is hired.


And I, for one, am finding it very amusing that Lord Sugar has gone into business with a man called Ricky Martin, who wears Lycra and wrestles men in his spare time.

The One With The Sweets And The Grooming (or The Apprentice Candidates Get Drunk On Jelly)

We’re down to the final five. 

Lord Sugar says at the start of each episode that he doesn’t want a friend.  “If I want a friend, I’ll get a dog,” but which of our candidates will demonstrate they have the pedigree to be the 50/50 business partner with Shuggs?

We’re offered a fleeting glimpse of him in the round-up of the previous episode, but, for the most part, we’re without the Alien Face of Stephen this week.  And I do miss him, tis true.

As this episode opens, we’re not offered the traditional timecheck, but we see Tom, Nick and Adam still a-bed with Ricky and Jade both up and dressed, so we can presume it is “early” when the call comes.  And come it does, telling the candidates to be at Burlington Arcade, Piccadilly, in 30 minutes.  Home to the finest in luxury retail for almost 200 years.  And now the scene of the next challenge for our intrepid final five.

The task…

To create an affordable luxury product range, to present to industry experts and Lord Sugar.

The teams…

Tom gets put with Ricky, the sole remaining member of Sterling and they need to decide between them who is the project manager (they both want to do it, but Ricky wins).  No such choice for Phoenix - Adam is made project manager by Lord Sugar.

What luxury products will they go for?  Will Phoenix leave the decision to Adam, the market trader who thought takeaway was a good luxury option in the voucher challenge last week…  Please, no.

Sterling opt for grooming (not the sort that paedophiles favour, the sort that sees men looking and smelling like ladies).

Phoenix aren’t quite sure what they’re going to do.  Adam suggests they go for the name, identity, packaging and logo first.  Unfortunately, they haven’t chosen on a product.  They decide to go for chocolate.  Nick runs a coffee business which sells hot chocolate and says they need a clear brand and product, but Adam wants a bit of everything.  Adam decides that it will be Nick and Adam creating the brand, with Jade creating the product range.

It’s all in the name…

Ricky thinks the name could be make or break for their product.  I expect they’ll come up with something sensible, don’t you?  Ooh.  They say words like Dapper, Debonair, After Club, The Grooming Guild, Men’s Choice (eek, maybe like an adult magazine.  And I don’t think they mean one about sensible shoes or gardening, do you?).

“Choc-o-lite” suggests Adam, saying it is “quite clever”.  Nick winces his face inside-out.  “Choco-o-local” suggests Adam.  “Lovely Chocolate” suggests Adam.  “Choc Stop” suggests Adam.  Possibly he is thinking with his market trader head on – I’m expecting “Get-yer-chockerlate-here” to be the next suggestion, but, fortunately, Nick stops cringing and starts talking.  Well, I say “fortunately” because then we hear what his suggestions are, “Co-co-co”, “Co-co-cho”, “Cho-cho-cho”.  Adam (wisely) dismisses those as being “like a train” and then turns into a sheep, saying, “Chocolate Baa” over and over.  Or it may be that he’s saying “Chocolate Bar” (because he is) but I prefer to be wilfully whimsical as I rather enjoy the sheep imagery conjured up by his constant bleating of “Baa”.

They (wisely) enlist Jade’s help and she suggests “Sweet Thing” (like “Wild Thing”, she says).

The products, the branding…

The Phoenix boys head for a chocolatier and talk flavours.  Ginger, lavender, mint, lemon.  Yes, they’re definitely flavours.  Salted caramel is the best seller for him.  Karren is SCATHING of their time wasting though – they were meant to be grilling this man on his business model, not stuffing their faces.  Adam starts talking again – can he bring the conversation round to business strategy?  “Jellies?” he asks.  Hmm, no, no, he can’t.  But he does love the jellies.  Will they dilute the chocolate brand though?

On the second day of the task, they’re going to be able to test their products on a cross-section of consumers.  But, today, they’re in the empty space in the warehouse with their interior designer.

Sterling want to go for a heritage feel, using the very eye-catching colour “charcoal”.

Phoenix want to use bright colours, like baby blue (I’m unsure this is a bright colour, but, hey, we’ll see).  Jade rings when the boys are mid-conversation with their designer to confirm the product range: marshmallows, hot chocolate and chocolate discs.  Adam says “jellies” again, Nick wants to leave them out.  Adam thinks jellies are going to be the next big thing (possibly because he wants something to match his massive pink face?).  He decides that they all tie in together because they are “all sweet”.  As are honey-dipped sheep brains, but I think Adam may find eating one of them akin to cannibalism.

Jade’s at the chocolate factory, where she confides that, like any pudgy little girl, she’s always wanted to have a sweet shop.  She sets fire to some marshmallows in the chocolate factory (Willy Wonka has NOTHING to worry about).

Ricky’s at the perfume factory, where they’ve decided upon a lathering shave cream, an aftershave balm and a face moisturiser WITH anti-inflammatory properties.  Oh, yes.  As he rubs in one of the potions, Ricky says he feels like his hand is getting a bit more youthful (this, remember, is the man who came up with the strapline for fake tan “it makes your hand a bit browner”).

No brand name as yet, so Tom suggests Gentry, but Ricky says he doesn’t get it, so says maybe New Tradition (which sounds like a boy band), but they finally settle upon Modern Gentleman.  So to speak.

Phoenix are going with “Sweet Thing” as their brand name.  Jade suggests putting booze in the jellies and calling them Drunken Jellies.  The boys don’t like it, but Adam decides to go with it for the reason “we might as well”.  Because that is clearly how to make the best business decision EVER.

Tom, meanwhile, is doing some yawn-tastic branding designs – Nick Hewer isn’t impressed that Ricky’s titting about in the perfume factory whilst leaving what are the major business decisions to Tom.

Day two…

The next day dawns bright, early and drenching as the candidates leave the house in a downpour.

Phoenix: Nick says their brand is “Indulgence, luxury, ethical and fun.”  Targeting it at females, aged “15 to…old”.

Sterling: the boys are painting everything they can see charcoal grey, bookcases, backdrops, etc.  It looks a bit…well, grey.  And we all know how vibrant and fascinating a colour grey isn’t.  Will the industry leaders like it?

Phoenix: Karren is grilling the boys on their pricing strategy (careful near that chocolate with your grilling, Karren, you’ll melt it).  They’ve decided, quite firmly, to sell a cellophane bag of half a dozen or so of the chocolate discs with salted caramel and honeycomb sprinkles for £2.99.  Or £4.99.  One of those prices, anyway.  Karren does her “I’m disgusted with your answer” face.

Sterling are having shaves from a trained barber.  *Bum-fluff klaxon*  A clean-shaven Tom talks about showing people “the traditional way of grooming yourself”.  For Adam, presumably that would be at shearing time.  Ricky feels Tom’s smooth face and pronounces it “exactly what we want”.

Karren’s eyes look like shrivelled raisins of scepticism as she watches a cocktail expert help Jade to add yet more booze to the Sweet Thing experience.  It seems they’ve lost their grip on the brand thing entirely.

Punter time…

Industry experts are scattered through the would-be customers, unbeknownst to the Apprentice candidates.  Will they screw up as badly as Stephen’s masterclass in “how not to treat a corporate client” at the street art task?

Nick tells his customers that he hopes they are “the most chocolatey chocolates you’ve ever tried”.  A career in writing straplines for adverts surely beckons, post-Apprentice?  Jade, meanwhile, is getting her punters pissed on the Drunken Jellies and cocktails.

Over at Modern Gentleman, Tom’s proffering his hand to women to sniff.  Hopefully, he has some of their product on it, but that isn’t completely clear.

Ricky’s talking himself out of building the brand by telling his punters they are aspiring to be “a small shop”.  Nick Hewer calls the boys “pedestrian”.  Nice.  He also says their display is like “a closing down sale” and pronounces it “too minimalist”.

Back at the sweet shop, it’s warm and friendly, classy, bespoke, lovely.  And that’s just Adam’s massive pink face.  But the punters appear to like the sweets and drinks too.  Adam is planning world domination with products in shops, hotels, possibly the International Space Station.

Back at the barber’s, Ricky’s shaving a man who appears to have only eyebrows anyway, no other hair at all, presumably an industry expert.  Their brand is pronounced “dull”, “conservative”, the branding isn’t distinctive enough, a bit bland.

Back at the house…

The Sweet Thing team are looking at an unsaved spreadsheet of product costings for their Chocolate Puddles, Melting Spoons, Mallow Moments and Drunken Jellies.  It probably won’t mean anything that they haven’t saved it; indeed, they may be just about to, but it’s good practice to save your work BEFORE you start doing complicated sums in it, isn’t it, children?

Ricky’s trying to avoid saying anything negative at all, even the word “negative” - so he talks about receiving lots of feedback, “both positive and some very constructive”.  Come on, dear heart, they said it was frantically dull, didn’t they?

The next day…

7am dawns at seven o’clock in the morning, same as ever, and we see the candidates preparing themselves for their pitches.  Tom’s tying his tie, Adam’s shoving a toothbrush at his teeth in a strange, accusatory fashion, Jade’s eating her breakfast, Ricky’s banging on about how he didn’t sleep for worrying about the pitch and Nick’s drinking something hot and eating what may or may not be an Eccles cake (surely not).  As the camera pans out, we see that he’s sitting in what appears to be a wooden ball in the garden, surrounded by autumn leaves.  Seasonal, given that we’re watching this at the end of May.  He’s fretting about the “confused” brand and expecting some difficult questions today (perhaps “Why do you favour sitting in wooden balls?  Are you a hamster?”).

Ablutions, ruminations and mastications finished, the teams head for the warehouse in East London where they are to give their pitches.

Lord Sugar, a man who is smaller in real life than he appears on television (and he appears small on television – we’re talking BORROWER in real life), hops down from his personal number-plated Rolls Royce (AMS 1)and scampers inside, where the industry experts are already stuffing their faces with chocolate.  Representatives are there from Green & Black’s, retailers Debenhams and House of Fraser and male grooming range, Bulldog.  No Willy Wonka, though, sadly.

The teams wait nervously to do their pitches, pacing, mumbling, Phoenix not practising, Sterling doing full run-throughs.

Tom says, “to fall at this final hurdle, it would crush me”.  Perhaps like Verruca Salt and the squirrels.

Sterling are up first…

Ricky says he and Tom would both classify themselves as “a modern gentleman”.  Just the one.  Perhaps one stands on the other’s shoulders and they wear a big mackintosh over the top?  They both like to groom (OH, DEAR!), but they don’t necessarily talk much with their friends and family about their grooming methods (OH, DEAR AGAIN!).  The audience looks amused.  Or perhaps it is nervous horror?  They talk figures as they say the UK’s grooming market is worth £862 million and growing.  They want to start in Europe, which gets a nod from a colossal-nostrilled blonde in the audience.

Tom runs through their prices (£8-£10 for their products).  As he talks about their boutique shop where the shaving experience can be had, we notice the hairless man who partook of a Ricky special the previous day looking dubious.  Perhaps he was offered something for the weekend and it never materialised?

The “dull” branding is criticised, so Ricky suggests that putting it in a box may make it a luxury product.  Anybody smiles at the phrase “dick in a box” will agree that putting things in boxes makes them instantly more appealing, so he may be onto something here.

The industry experts say they liked their business strategy and thought they worked well together, but questioned the actual product, calling it “forgettable”.  I think.  I forget.

Next up, the Wonka-tastic Sweet Thing…

Jade talks about adding booze to the confectionery experience, making it a more special thing.  Adam is astonishingly nervous and his massive pink face coughs and blusters its way through different opportunities for people to purchase confectionery (he came up with birthdays, Christmas, Easter and Valentine’s Day, so he didn’t do too badly).  Jade gets asked about the cocktails they’ll be selling in their flagship London shop – will they be complementary and will that affect profitability?  No, because they’ll be one or two pounds.

Nick goes through the pricing structure (more expensive than el cheapo supermarket, but not as expensive as el posho chocolatier chocolate).  Shuggs says the flagship shops (try saying that after a Drunken Jelly or three) will clearly be loss-making and then the range is criticised for being confused.  Nick says it’s not just a chocolatier or a sweet shop, it’s both.  The industry experts are confused.

*BOARDROOM ALERT*

Lord Sugar hops up onto his chair and, swinging his legs, he asks the teams how they felt the task went.

The Bumfluff Returns

Ricky wanted to be team leader because he’s lost twice already.  But I’m distracted by Tom’s face.  His bumfluff has grown back again.  He drones on about putting product in boxes and Lord Sugar criticises their minimalistic shop front.

Phoenix are blasted for their lack of business discussion with the chocolatier by Karren.  Jade bangs on about how she came up with the name, the products, the theme tune (well, maybe not quite, but gawd, she banged on).  Karren, her voice fair dripping with scorn, criticises the boys’ names – “Choco-Holster, Chocolate Heaven, Cho-Cho-Choc”. 

The Analysis

Sterling – praised for their presentation, their research, very thorough.  Shop a bit sparse.

Phoenix – bit of a wow factor.  But as soon as they all opened their mouths, it started to go downhill a bit.

In the end, Sterling was the better business proposition, far more professional and thought out and good, justifiable winners.  No treat, because they’re going to be very, very busy, but they’re in the final.

Phoenix – lack of cohesion, no real plan, no attention to detail.  It’s late, so they get overnight to think about where it went wrong.  Oh, and a trip to the greasy spoon café too, where they realise that Adam’s lost as PM twice now.

Nick called Adam “a detriment to the whole task”.

Jade’s looking forward to going into the boardroom, because she feels she did all the good stuff in the task.

Adam…what will be will be.  He effectively (surely) signs his own death warrant by saying “It will be no way it’ll be me that goes tomorrow, no way”.  Has he never watched this show?!

*FIRING RANGE*

Where was the pricing strategy?  Above supermarket, below luxury chocolatiers.  Shuggs, “Why are you selling cheap chocolates in a luxury place and hoping they’ll end up on the mass market, when they’re too expensive for that?”  Whoops.

“The honest truth was we had very little pricing strategy,” Nick confesses.

Adam highlights what we know from Azhar (don’t think of the shorts.  Oh, too late, sorry *brain bleach*) – that people say strategy a lot when it all goes wrong, but nobody knows what it means.

Lord Sugar says the industry experts felt too many ideas diluted the brand.

Nick Hewer says Tom and Ricky drilled each other before their presentation (ahem.  Grooming, drilling – get your minds out of the gutter, you lot).  But, with Sweet Thing, there was no brand strategy, no lead product.

Nick blasts Adam.  Jade then blasts Adam.

Karren says Adam said, patronisingly, “You go off, Jade, and make us some really nice chocolates.”

Nick’s got a coffee shop, selling high-quality, ethical coffee.  So why didn’t they do high-quality hot chocolate?  Was Nick not persuasive enough?  “I did try, but I failed.”  Karren says he didn’t try that hard.

Jade made good products and came up with good ideas.  Adam hasn’t got a particular skill other than selling, but he’s very enthusiastic.  However, to see Adam’s leadership skills, Shuggs had to appoint him as the team leader.  Is Nick playing a clever game?  Why didn’t he push his ideas more?  WHY indeed.

Back to the boardroom…

Adam uses his massive pink face to say that he thinks he’s the best candidate overall (well, he would).  He says Nick’s fluked his way to the final; there are plenty of other people in the UK that are good on computers and good at logos and stuff.  Seen no special talents from Jade.

Jade says Adam’s probably the best face-to-face salesman here, but is that what Lord Sugar needs?  What about creativity, coming up with ideas?

Nick says it should be Jade who leaves, if it’s across all the tasks.

Jade defends her corner – why would these two have listened to everything she said on this last task, if they thought she was such a listless no-hoper?  GOOD POINT, spiky-eyelashed one!

Will Lord Sugar be able to fire someone who’s got the same market trader background as him?  Will he?

Yes.  Yes, he will.  He fires Adam’s massive pink face, and the rest of him too.

And I, for one, won’t miss him (well, maybe a bit).

Next week, the final.  THE FINAL.  Are we excited?  Yes, yes, we are.  It’s business plan time and Margaret Mountford’s back!  Woohoo!

The Magnificent Seven (or The One With The Remaining Apprentice Candidates)

A whole field of ponies. Or pony. You decide.

We're down to the last seven Apprentice hopefuls, each eager to be Lord Sugar's business bitch, as he signs the winner to Amstrad Corporate Entity, owning all future profits, business ideas, blood, sweat, tears, offspring, etc.  Read the small print and you'll see that if Lord Sugar ever needs a new kidney, one of The Apprentice candidates will be harvested.  But, of course, the keen-as-mustard seven aren't thinking about forcible organ donation, oh, no, they are thinking of the "ker-ching" of success, fame, fortune and breakfast telly opportunities that being an Apprentice winner - actually, hang on.  Surely being an Apprentice winner leads to utter obscurity?  Can we remember the names of those who've won in the past?  There was that crazy inventor bloke, was it Tom?  And someone called Badger (but she didn't actually win, did she?).  And Stuart Baggs - he of the "not a one trick pony, a whole field of ponies" fame - but, again, he didn't win.  He does have a website, with showreel, promoting his "brand" - but it talks about exciting opportunities in 2011; hardly current.  And...oh, there have been others.  Lots of braying tosspots, banging on about how brilliant they were - now all being quietly fabulous somewhere else.

So, of the seven remaining, who will fall furthest into obscurity?  Or, to put it another way, who will win?

Let's look at the evidence in a "Who Are The Final Seven Anyway" round-up.

In best reality TV show style, in alphabetical order of first name, the remaining seven candidates in The Apprentice are:

• Adam "Corblimey" Corbally
• Gabrielle Omar
• Jade Nash
• Nick "The Fop" Holzherr
• Ricky "No, Not That One" Martin
• Stephen "Alien" Brady
• Tom "Bumfluff" Gearing

One thing that immediately strikes me about the list is that the boys are easier to nickname than the girls.  Is this meaning?  Does being nickname-able lead to winning reality TV shows?

Of the seven, the one who stands out for me is Nick.  He was the first choice for Phoenix in the last task, when they were allowed to pick from Sterling - clearly the others know he is A Prize Catch.  Salacious gossip snippet - apparently Gabrielle and Nick are an item.

But let's have a quick look at each of them, as we enter the last half of the contest.

Adam Corbally is a market trader from Oop North and manages a property portfolio, whilst juggling fruit and veg and shouting, "You don't get many of these to the pound" from his massive pink face.  Favours a pink tie, to match.  Facial expressions noted thus far:

• baffled
• bemused
• boggled
• confused

He apparently organising turning on the Christmas lights in his local town.  This is, for some reason, so surprising to me that I have literally no opinion on it.  Unusual.

Gabrielle Omar has mostly stayed neatly under the radar so far, apart from a rather lovely boardroom row with the frankly bonkers Bilyana.  An architect with experience of working in a fish and chip shop, she's flattered street artists almost to the point of spaffing (quick, fetch a canvas, you'll sell it for a fortune!) and done a fine line in glass/rose logo design.  But is she too quiet to win T'Apprentice?

Jade Nash is an ex 18-30 holiday rep with a penchant for drag racing.  A terrible project manager, she is seemingly incapable of making a decision, leaving her wide open to criticism from Lord Sugar.  However, he can't quite decide whether he likes her or not (oh, the irony), meaning she's squeaked into the final seven by the skin of her teeth.

Nick Holzherr will win if he doesn't make a colossal fuck-up between now and the end of the show.  Popular with the other candidates, foppish, he's been an entrepreneur since he sold lost golf balls back to golfers at the age of nine.

Ricky Martin (no, not that one) models himself on the aforementioned Stuart Baggs.  He's cumbersomely proportioned by comparison with his famous namesake and does a lot more talking about learning from his mistakes than learning from them.


Stephen Brady is an alien-faced eel of a man, slippery, quick to point the finger of blame at everyone else, full of ideas that are really just words he's randomly spewing.  If he makes it past the next task, I'm booking my next holiday to his home planet, Planet Dickweasel.


Tom Gearing reminds me of a pastier Stewart Lee, without the humour.  He has a fledgling moustache and is a wine entrepreneur who also knows his street art.  But did he impress Lord Sugar by simply getting pissed on the wine branding task?


What we have to remember as we watch this is that Lord Sugar has seen all of their business plans.  He must surely have a fair idea of who he wants to go into business with.  But we will all willingly suspend our disbelief until after the last task, when whichever of these seven hopefuls (please, not Stephen, I've just remembered my passport has expired) wins the £250k business deal will disappear instantly from the public eye.


And I, for one, won't miss them.