Daytime telly is a Big Society conspiracy to make you get a job

Vase, Mug, Vase.

Hello, and welcome to <some random castle nobody's ever heard of, Google is your friend here>, I'm Tim "My glasses are stupid" Wottacock and today we're going bargain hunting!

Coming up... <tedious montage of hefty couples trawling boot sales at first light, in the drizzle, clad in fetching blue and red nylon polo shirts and looking astonished that they had the fortune to get on the show>

So, let's meet our teams! <there's that sarcastic exclamation mark again>

For the Reds, we've got Cyril, a taxidermist with halitosis, and his mother-in-law, Beryl, who has long rued the day she gave her blessing for her daughter to marry this useless tool.

For the Blues, we have Annabellisa, who thinks she is a LOT prettier than she actually is, and has a very tight perm she thinks is "cute" and her best friend, Gertrude, who actually hates her.

And each team has the benefit of our "experts" <implied quotation marks, rather than actual, but they're there, oh, GOD, they're there> - we've got David Barstool and Tom Lunatic! And they're going to patronise and generally berate our couples for being thick and ill-informed, and then look astonished at auction later, when the things the couples buy get a profit and their own choices nosedive horrendously.

And, of course, there's the bit where they look around the mystery Anfgwlgh Castle, ancestral home of the Dweeb family, and Wottacock makes knowledgeable remarks about the hideous antiques ensconced in some panelled room or other, clearly fed to him by researchers, because the only thing he is knowledgeable about is his moustache.

Anyway, it's better than being at work, isn't it?  Isn't it?