People who regularly use Facebook to communicate with people they half remember from school days, university, that shit job they had temping somewhere in the arse end of Northolt and some people they're related to, but only ever see at weddings and funerals, are considerably funnier than those who have actual lives which don't rely on a social media interface, research has discovered. Particularly comedic were those who generally accessed Facebook from their smartphones, the smug bastards.
"It seems humans evolved opposable thumbs not for tool use, as previously thought, but for the "swipe and share" function on the Facebook app," said Dr Reginald Hollis for the Foundation of Obvious Science.
"This is great news for me," said Randy Harvey, a Vodafone employee from "near Oxshott and Banstead". "For some time, I've harboured a sneaking suspicion that incessantly sharing what I'm doing in any given minute along with mildly humorous photos on my Facebook feed made me a tragic individual and I thought people were laughing up their sleeves at what a pathetic twat I am, but this research is proof that I'm not and they aren't. I am a comedy god."
However, critics of the research who don't use Facebook (apparently these people still exist. They tend to favour real ale, bushy facial hair and wearing socks with sandals) say that they, too, are funny, actually. There was that time, you know, when...the thing, with that bloke who, oh, you remember. It was funny.
Dr Reginald Hollis responded to the criticism, saying, "It's no use expecting people to rely on face-to-face social interaction. Unless there's a constant stream of updates on your Facebook to prove that people think you're an all-round jolly good egg, you may as well not bother going out. Or, indeed, staying in.
"In fact, you can't demonstrate in any meaningful way that you exist at all unless you can produce screenshots of your Facebook timeline, littered with status updates that reference your geographic location and activity therein, interspersed with photos of captioned cats and drunk people, with copious "likes" from the many vacuous pricks on your friend list."
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, waded into the debate, saying, "God wouldn't have put the "Facebook share" button on so many websites if He didn't want people to bang on about what they were reading and laughing at all the time. There is mounting evidence that this is, in fact, why we are here. For real."
When asked for comment, Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, said, "Uh, yeah, sure...whatever," and returned to playing Zuma Blitz and updating his Twitter feed.